


Everything Moves

by Slothbeans



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Dead Black Widow, Dead May Parker (Spider-Man), Dead Tony Stark, Depression, Drug Withdrawal, Homeless Peter Parker, Homelessness, Hopeless Peter Parker, Hurt Peter Parker, Medication, Mentions of Suicide, Pain, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Starvation, Whump, reference to suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-04-07 14:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19086493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slothbeans/pseuds/Slothbeans
Summary: The world is lost after the reversal of the snap. It's changed for the worst. Systems are broken, suicides are at a record high, and homelessness has become a common sight. The city Peter used to love so much has become bitter and angry. It's broken.But Peter's broken too. He's all alone. He's lost. He's hurting. And he doesn't know where he belongs anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (Previously titled Heartache and the Pain)
> 
> This fiction will hopefully update more often than my other works. It's very venty and very angsty, so keep that in mind. I don't really have a plan for it or a minimum word count, so hopefully, that will keep me writing quickly. It's just meant to be Peter angst to contribute to the homeless Peter trope I've grown to love <3

[Title Inspiration - Everything Moves by Bronze Radio Station](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ie0KfYid1fo) 

_Even though I don’t know quite what to do._

_The time will show what we know is hardly ever true._

 

Tears burn the boy's eyes.

He tries to keep quiet - to control the stream of tears that leak from the corners of his eyes - as he stands in the background of his mentor's funeral. He needs to stay strong, this isn't the place or time for him to break down. And despite the aching pain in his chest, he's not sure that he could actually cry in public right now.

Peter can't stand the thought of the other heroes seeing his tears and the puffiness of his eyes after so many nights of broken crying, but he can't ignore the aching grief within. Salty tears are burning, chokes are threatening to work their way through his throat, and his wrists tingle with the threat of his own insanity. He refuses to feel weak in front of the other great saviors, but he's not sure how much longer he can keep himself in control.

Peter quickly wipes his tears the tissue in his left hand, doing his best to be sneaky and unnoticeable, but there's no doubt that the other heroes catch his movements. He wishes he was anywhere else, where he could be alone in his sadness, but instead he knows they're judging his every move, and he hates it.

In the young hero's eyes, he needs to be as strong as the veterans that he fought alongside. Not a single one of the other heroes are crying today. But Peter is. They can see every bit of his weakness through his tears. 

He's too young, too emotional, and unable to save anyone. It's his weakness that affected his strength and made him distracted in the final battle. He was too terrified to do anything right. And it's this weakness and love that got his greatest idol killed that treacherous day.

The poor boy. He doesn't understand what's really going on. The other heroes are experiencing the same damaging pain over losing Tony and Natasha, the same fearful grief and guilt. They are hurting beyond description - filled to the brim with anger and remorse - but are too stubborn to show their tears in front of the others. They've spent their whole lives forcing them self to stay strong too.

Peter's tears bring sorrow to the surrounding heroes - their hearts swell with their own pain, but there's something even worse about watching the youngest of their own lose his father figure. They've all seen the relationship of the two. He's truly part of this broken family.

There's a protective air that Peter can't yet sense. He's too lost in his feelings. He's unaware the other Avenger's have accepted Peter as one of their own - someone who must be protected - and it fills their hearts with pity to see the boy so distraught. He's not only a hero. He's one of the family now.

To Peter's left stands Harley Keener. A name only muttered to Peter a few times by his former mentor, but also seems to be broken by his loss. The similarly aged teenager seems to be broken as well. Peter doesn't feel close to Harley, but there's a vague recognition that Harley once saved his mentor's life and for that he's appreciative. If only Peter could have done the same.

To Peter's right stands Morgan Hope Stark - a soft little brunette who beams with the same chaotic-good energy as her dad. Peter shares no bond with the little girl - she's twirling her dress playfully like nothing has changed -  but Peter finds himself completely enamored by her innocence and kindness. He can feel himself becoming responsible for the little girl in Tony's absence.

_Tony always saw you as her big brother. He couldn't wait to introduce the two of you._

Pepper's words sting as they echo in the back of Peter's mind, bouncing around as he tries to force out the sounds of the surrounding forest, but they hurt him so badly. The words force him to consider the life Tony's built without him and the way he was so easily replaced. Then he remembers the absolute pain that his mentor must have felt in the destruction of the snap, and he feels horrible for ever thinking of Tony in a negative light.

This isn't fair. None of it is. Not for any of the remaining heroes, but especially not for the Stark family that needs to rebuild without their father in a ripped up world. It's a world Peter cannot begin to imagine, but bears the responsibility of fixing.

And as difficult as the funeral is for Peter, he can't imagine the future that Morgan has ahead of her. Peter knows all too well the pain of losing parents; the complete emptiness inside that swirls within you when you grow up without your mother or father. It's something he would never wish on anyone, let alone someone that he's supposed to consider extended family. He owes it to Tony to give her the best life possible.

Peter takes a deep breath as the final words are spoken. The crowds begins to disperse - breaking into small social groups that Peter can't find the energy to deal with - and he wonders what he should do now. He doesn't belong with any of the other groups, but he especially can't find the willpower to force himself into a conversation when he feels so crappy. 

All he wants to do is find a secluded place, so that he can break down and properly cry. Maybe high up in a tree where no one will be able to find him. That would be optimal.

Happy gives the boy a quick nod as he scoops up Morgan and takes her over to the porch. She's already yawning from the day's events, but there's a sadness to Happy's eyes that she doesn't seem to understand. Peter catches a glint of guilt too as he leaves without even a word spoken between them.

Peter doesn't blame him one bit, even if Happy is the only other person here that he knows on a semi-personal level. He understands that the young girl needs more help than an angsty teenager. And she has a blood relation to the family; something Peter's never truly had. She _should_ be prioritized over him.

Peter forces a smile and nods to Happy in reassurance. He's okay being left behind a bit. He'll deal with his sadness on his own terms. He'd rather be alone right now anyway.

Instead of confiding to the other Avengers, or seeing if Pepper could use any help with the after funeral affairs, Peter prefers to find a secluded spot where no one will bother him. He worries he'll draw too much attention if he climbs any of the surrounding trees, so he instead settles at the end of the dock. This will give him some time to think and cry without the invasion of the other heroes.

He lowers himself to the ground, settling himself on the cold, wet wood of the deck. It's chilly and wet here and he can feel the dew of the morning soak through his newly purchased funeral clothes. The cold sends a freezing shiver down his spine, but the boy can't be bothered to move or care. He's been through so much worse in the last few days. This is comparatively nothing.

When he can't bear to listen to his own thoughts any longer, he reaches out his senses and listens in to the conversations around him. He knows what he's doing is wrong; he shouldn't be invading other's privacy like this, but he desperately needs a distraction before he spirals further.

_"You good?"_

_"Mhm."_

" _Okay. You hungry?"_

 _"Mhm,"_ she says so nonchalantly that Peter's heartaches. Why is this so easy for her?

_"What do you want?"_

_"Cheeseburgers."_

Peter can't listen anymore. Happy's voice isn't comforting like he had hoped it would be - not when they're talking about the loss in such an effortless way. The words pull up memories that he's mostly pushed down since the battle. 

And he can't possibly ignore the fact that Morgan shares so many similarities with her father. They're identical in attitude, favorite tastes, and even some physical traits. Every part of the little girl reminds Peter of what he's lost.

Morgan reminds him of the many evening internship quests to fetch late-night hamburgers, the banter between the two when a project becomes unexpectedly difficult and competitive, the sweet lovable nature that Tony always had hidden behind a wall of fears and injuries.

Tony must have been so proud of her. Everyone else seems to be.

Peter can barely stand the pain in his chest. He wants to see May. He needs to see May. He craves her gentle touch, to hold her close and never let her go again. He needs to know everything will be okay, to be reminded that things do get better with time.

May should be here right now. She should be helping Peter work through his grief and pushing through the dark thoughts that are starting to spin in his mind. He should be helping her rebuild in the aftermath of the snap. And he should be helping her recover too.

It isn't fair that she's missing. It isn't fair that everyone else seems to get their loved ones back, but he's somehow left here with nothing. No family, no friends, no one but himself in this crap shoot of a saved world. 

He has no one. Not just here physically, but also emotionally.

He knows one thing for sure as he sits on the freezing cold pier, one fact that's strong in his mind through all the distress and worry. He can't rest until he finds May Parker.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title changed. Was previously "Heartache and the Pain"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to release a day early. Not sure when the next update will be, but all these nice comments definitely are motivating. <3

_Lately I, can’t decide, run or hide._

_Oh and when I do, I’m sure I’ll end up moving too._

 

Peter sits on the dock for as long as he possibly can.

He isn't sure where else he can go. He's a long way away from New York. Almost half across the country.

And honestly, he could have never imagined Tony living this far from the hustle and bustle of the city. New York is somewhere special for Peter. New York is friends and family. New York is where he's fought so many times to help his neighbors. New York is home to Peter Parker. But the boy is entirely unaware of what New York became in the aftermath of the snap. New York becomes poison without the positivity of its neighborhood Spider-Man.

Desperate for change, the lake house becomes a space for Tony to escape from the bitterness of New York. It isn't too long before Tony Stark moves there completely, unable to face the crumbling skyline of the city any longer. And one day, if Tony works hard enough, he can share his new view with his favorite intern. No matter how small, there's always a chance Tony's family can become whole again.

He never gets a chance to make his family whole. There will always be a hole in the hearts of the Stark family from their grief and loss. Tony never gets to see Peter use the guest room designed just for him that's full of knock-off Spider-man merchandise or watch Peter fly from the tire swing installed with him in mind. Without Tony Stark here, there's only an empty sadness that rests upon the lake.

With the day coming slowly to an end and the last bit of sun disappearing from the water, the Avengers begin to return to their homes. There are a few distant goodbyes from where the boy sits on the dock, but he can't be bothered to respond. Most of them understand his grief and don't push the issue further. They'll see him down the line anyways. There's a protectiveness around the youngest Avenger that will keep him safe for years to come.

Now that the majority of his heroes have left, Peter feels even more confused. He isn't sure if he prefers the chatter of their previous conversations or the silence that's now settling over the waterfront more. A part of him wishes that he had reached out and shared himself in their grief, but now it's too late. He's becoming more and more unsure of himself with every breaking second. Is he worthy of the title that's been so recently thrust upon him?

The Avengers carry the responsibility of a broken world on their shoulders. The world's changed for the worst. There's still so many fresh wounds from not only the snap, but the reversal too. Thanos is defeated, but Peter's learned there will always just be a bigger, badder threat. And most of all, the young boy can still feel the weight all too strongly.

He can't take much longer to mourn. The other Avengers are already creating plans to return to work - to aid the people that truly need them. There are likely people that need Spider-man's help in this very moment. People that need  _him._ People like Aunt May.

If only Peter could pull himself together to actually help them.

Instead, Peter pulls himself away from the weight of his heavy knees, wiping the stained tears on the edge of his sleeve. He has to admit there aren't many tears left anyway. He's been here all day, and for the majority of it, he's been silently sobbing in a ball. There's so little fluids in him that the last hour has just been painful dry choking. His eyes are red and his throat sore, but he doesn't have the energy to make his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. He's broken.

With the malnutrition and dehydration the day has brought, Peter finds barely able to move. Even standing up seems to send him into dizziness with so little calories in his system. But there's still so much for him to do. He needs to create a plan.

Peter fights through his own clouded mind for a few moments hastily, but he can't seem to break through. He needs to focus. He really needs to figure out his next steps. All he wants to do is fight through his darkened thoughts and aching bones, but that's too much for him right now. He's confused and sad and scared and  _broken._

"Do you have somewhere to go tonight? I'm heading back to New York. I could give you a jump if you'd like. Quicker than flying."

Peter turns his head and squints his eyes into the narrowed darkness. The man speaking has a similar build and facial hair to his mentor. It nearly makes the boy's heart temporarily sigh with relief, only to be smashed seconds later as his brain catches up to the picture in front of him. Though very similar in feature to his mentor, this isn't the man Peter adores so much.

His mentor is dead. Ironman is dead.  _Tony Stark is dead._

The man before him is another hero from the great battle. The one and only Doctor Stephen Strange. Magic user. Protector of the time stone. Not an official Avenger. But most of all, the predictor of Tony's sacrifice.

Peter furrows his brows in anger for only a moment before he corrects himself and forces the hatred off his expression. As upset as he already is, he has to remind himself that no one is to blame for Tony's death. Stephen Strange didn't cause Tony's sacrifice. He didn't force him. He only predicted that it was the only way.

Except maybe himself. Peter can blame himself. And it isn't fair to him to blame the other heroes when Peter didn't do anything else to help his mentor. He was too busy cowering and shielding his body.

"I'm sorry if I'm interrupting. I know you two were very close."

He's brought back to reality by the wizard's words. Focusing on the question once more, the boy pushes through his mental fog to work out the question he's been asked.

Does Peter have anywhere else to go tonight? He isn't entirely sure. He hasn't really planned that far ahead. He can barely push past today.

Peter reaches out his enhanced senses to analyze the surrounding area. If he can get a better idea of what's going on, he might be able to figure things out. And there's always the possibility of staying with Mrs. Stark. That was the original plan, at least until he could catch a flight back to New York, but he still isn't sure it's the right choice for him. He would never want to impose.

The rest of the lake seems empty and quiet with the majority of the visitors gone which doesn't change much for Peter's situation. Even when the lake was full of mourning faces, Peter still felt isolated among the crowd. The only difference to Peter is the background noise - what was once a splashing of tears and endless chatter has dulled into the rippling water of the lake. There's not even the chirp of crickets tonight - the wilderness seems to be mourning as much as the young lost hero.

With Tony long passed and May missing from action, there hasn't been any official discussion of where Peter will be living. The lease for his apartment has long been broken. The Avengers compound was destroyed by Thanos. And he refuses to infringe on any of the other heroes' personal lives any more than he has to.

But Peter can't stay home alone. Legally, he's technically only sixteen years of age. He's not old enough to legally buy an apartment of his own, even if he had the money set aside. And he doesn't have much life experience, balancing a job would be impossible with the already large task of fixing the world. And there's still the topic of High School. He needs to return and finish his education.

Peter's already had a full lifetime of experience and suffering. Yet at the same time, he's sorely lacking when it comes to his lifetime.

Peter knows one thing for sure. He does have a mission he needs to get started on as soon as possible. And New York would be the best place for him to start.

"I have some family to stay with upstate. A portal jump would be great," he lies through his teeth.

Peter isn't sure where the decision stems from. The words are natural and go against every fiber of his being. He shouldn't be able to so easily lie to one of his fellow heroes, but he feels like he has no other choice. but

As he listens to Pepper settle in Morgan for bed, the boy knows deep down that he can't impose on this family anymore than he already has. The other heroes insist that it's no one's fault that Tony isn't returning home to his daughter tonight, but Peter knows deep inside it will  _always_ be his fault.

Tony reversed the snap because he loved  _Peter_. Because he saw Peter as  _his son_. There's no avoiding it - no matter how much Peter wishes he could forget.

Peter can't bear hurting this family anymore than he already has, but maybe there's hope for him. Maybe he can find Aunt May. They can build their own little family again from nothing. Even if there's only a small chance that May is still alive, he has to do what he can to find her. He owes everything to her.

She could be searching for Peter at this very moment. She could be hurt or kidnapped or stuck somewhere. She needs him.

Peter doesn't know much about the direction he's taking. He doesn't even know if his Aunt was snapped.

All he knows is how frightening it was to wake up on that barren planet all alone. All he knows is that he's terrified that he's truly all alone.

He needs to find May - not only for her safety but to calm the growing darkness deep within his mind.

* * *

It's nearly two in the morning before Pepper can take a moment to breathe and organize her thoughts.

The events of the day have been taxing on everyone, but they've been particularly exhausting to the newly found single mother. Not only has she been grieving for the loss of her beloved husband, but she's had to push her feelings down in an effort to remain calm. She's needed to appear strong for everyone else. The other heroes. The younger children. But mostly for her beautiful daughter, Morgan Stark.

Truth is she's really hurting inside. The pain of her loss is still bloody and fresh, ripping its way through her insides in the form of grief. Pepper wishes she could throw herself into her bed and cry, but she doesn't get the chance to do so. There's too much for her to take care of. And she can't even imagine slowing down until she knows everyone else is safe.

The second she takes a moment to breathe, that's when her walls will break. She'll be no help then. She knows she needs to  _rescue_ everyone else before she can let that happen.

"Harley's flight just touched down safe in Tennessee. He should be home with his family any minute," Happy says as he reads from his phone. The man seems relieved now that he has one less thing to worry about tonight. He can focus on Pepper and Morgan and Peter at last.

Pepper nods in response. She has to admit Harley had managed to slip from her mind for the time being. After rushing him out the door earlier today, she'd had so many other things to focus on. The seemed quiet at the funeral but had fallen apart once they'd come inside later that night. It'd been a lot to console Harley from her husband's death, but she'd needed to focus her energy on helping the other heroes and making sure Morgan was properly fed. They'd barely even made his flight on time.

Pepper is even taking extra precautions with Morgan, who seems to be handling the funeral the easiest out of Tony's children. Partly because she didn't yet understand the severity of the event, but also because the day had been unusually overwhelming with so many visitors.

Bedtime was actually more difficult than the funeral had been. The young girl was tucked in a couple hours ago but she had an annoying habit of wandering out of her bed to find her father. She'd already wandered downstairs twice, both times drowsily requesting a bedtime story when she only found her mother. Pepper isn't sure what story her daughter is actually seeking from her since Tony usually told the bedtime stories, but all of Pepper's stories seem to be wrong. None of them get her to stay in her bed. The tired mom can only hope that her daughter will settle down soon enough.

Pepper knows, as strong as Morgan seems on the outside, there is a part of her inside that misses her father. She just isn't old enough to understand the concept of death. There will be a day that comes sometime in the unknown future that Pepper will need to teach Morgan about the sacrifice her father has made and how amazing of a man he truly was. It will be a hard time for the both of them, but at least the tired mother doesn't need to worry about it right now. She can push this one thing off a little bit further.

With Harley safe at home and Morgan possibly asleep, there's only one child left for Pepper to account for. Tony's son.

"Have you seen Peter?" she asks sluggishly.

"Not for a while. He was sitting on the dock earlier. I was going to talk to him after I got Morgan her dinner, but it just seemed like he needed some space. You know kids."

Pepper stands up, dusting herself off of all the day's stress. She feels dirty and unkempt. Today has been a long enough day and it won't be ending anytime soon. There's nothing more she wants right now than to throw herself into a hot shower, to crawl into her unusually empty bed, and sleep away her sorrows. But she can't stop yet. The day isn't over for her. She has one more child she's promised Tony that she will take care of and this one will need her the most in the upcoming weeks. And he's currently spending the night out by the freezing cold lakeside all alone.

Pepper leaves Happy to watch over Morgan - who will surely be up at least one more time before giving up - and heads towards the edge of the lake to search for Peter. It's pitch black without the bustle of city lights. Even squinting her eyes, Pepper can only just make out the outline of shapes in the dimly lit lake.

The presence of the deep lake and lack of light sends a shiver down Pepper's spine. It isn't safe for anyone to be so close at night. The water can be an extreme drowning hazard in the darkness, but she assures herself that the boy can navigate with the smallest flickers of light due to his enhanced senses. He should be safe by himself. There's no way he could drown.

Pepper searches the dock, doing her best to find any Peter-shaped outlines in the darkness, but she can't find anything at all. She huffs to herself, a small cloud of warm air forming from her mouth in the brisk night. She's already being extremely cautious so that she doesn't fall in herself, but now the longer she's outside, the more the cool air is getting to her.

She can't find Peter anywhere around the vicinity of the lake house. She's quickly checks the perimeter of her home, the porch, the dock, even the lakeside where the funeral was just held. There's no Peter anywhere. And even weirder, she can't find any evidence of where he's gone. Or that he was ever even here, though she's sure he was.

Shaking her head, she rushes inside the house for only a moment to grab her cellphone. She just needs some light to see better.

She must be missing something. Peter was here. She was sure of it. She just doesn't have the acute senses the boy has.

"You couldn't find Peter?"

"Not yet. I'm just grabbing my phone, so I can get a better look. I probably just missed him somewhere."

"Try calling his name. He's probably just hiding in a tree or hanging somewhere."

Pepper didn't want to startle him or risk waking Morgan, but shouting for him might be the only option. Pepper's becoming more frantic with every passing second. She was supposed to be taking care of Peter, and now he doesn't seem to be anywhere close to their property. If only she had gotten him a cell phone before the funeral, but she'd been so busy with the other preparations she'd pushed the idea down. And now a cell phone could have fixed everything.

"Peter! If you hear this, I need you to come here right now! It's very important!" she shouts one final time. There's no response. Just deafening and torturous silence.

With her cellphone as a makeshift flashlight, Pepper returns to the dock and scans the area one final time. It's the last location Peter was seen so she's desperate that he must be around her. He was here all day. She's sure of it. There's no possibility he could be anywhere else according to Happy. But still, she finds nothing. There's no Peter here.

There isn't a single piece of evidence that Peter's been here all night.

She returns to the house empty-handed.


	3. Chapter 3

_Tumble down, roll around_

_You know that everything is moving now_

 

New York isn't at all how Peter remembers it. There's a visible pain that dusts the city.

There's no big welcome when he returns with his newly clad Iron-Spider suit. No cheers as he swings through the now empty city skyline. No humble requests for flips or fist bumps from friendly civilians. 

Just silence. Desperation. And discomfort. It leaves Peter chilled to the bone.

The city's population returns to the usually bustling high population, at first glance, but there's a new scarceness the boy can sense. Something isn't right here.

His once beloved city has lost it's identity during the blip - they've been hero-less for so long that they barely even recognize their friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. There's no greetings or wide smiles. Not with the memory of their hatred so fresh in their minds.

The city is empty with Peter's return. Lonelier. Desolate and deserted. Maybe beyond repair.

Peter can't tell if the population of the city has actually dropped - as if all the work they went through to reverse the snap was for nothing - or something completely foreign has happened to his residents. He has a buzzing sensation on his neck that there's something wrong no matter where he goes.

 

Even if he could ignore the disparity growing from within, there's a blanket of grey sinking over the buildings. Peter can't find a single speck of color on the fallen landscape that he once loved. As he swings from building to building, carefully calculating every thwip, he finds himself slipping over crumbling rooftops and broken windows. There's no pride left here.

Peter can't help but dwell over the disaster he's caused, the misery he's brought upon his people. Even though he fought so hard - giving up the one person he loves as a father - disaster and hardship eclipses Queens. It's too much for him to handle in such a small time frame. 

The world will never be the same and it's all Peter's fault.

_Everyone's too busy taking care of their family's to care about broken rooftops. Your the only one without a family, Peter. You're the only one alone._

And now, with the destruction of his beloved city pushed into his face, Peter realizes he truly has nothing left. He's alone. Empty. And he just can't find the energy to care anymore. He is broken.

There's nothing left for him to give his people.

He can't blame anyone but himself. Even with people returning to the world, there's still plenty of grief to go around. Peter isn't the only one morning the loss of Ironman - the world's most beloved superhero. Tony sacrificed himself to save the world on numerous occasions before - a feat none of the other Avenger's can claim to. The man's built a pool of fans so large he's practically a religion.

So, it's no surprise to Peter that the world is taking a while to return to normalcy, their flags lowered at half mast in honor of their fallen hero. They're hurting too.

But everywhere the boy turns, the lowered flags harass him. They're a reminder of what he's lost despite everything he fights for. The flags are a reminder of their last few minutes shared as Tony struggles for air - a pain-numbing look in his eyes as the flesh of his arm devours itself and poisons the man's blood supply. The ache in Peter's heart as his mentor slumps over for a final time and the glow of his arc reactor dulls - his heart no longer able to keep a beat in his chest. The imagines will never leave him be.

He can feel his hands trembling as he stumbles alongside the top of a building. He's bracing to make his next jump, but his heart is racing again - pounding too far out of his control for him to breathe right. The fight or flight reflex he's grown so used to in the past few days is running too fast for him to control, telling Peter he's in danger. They warn him of death.

The boy's spidey sense is unbearable as it rides his wave of adrenaline. It's screaming. Buzzing obnoxiously as Peter tries to force himself to remain calm. It's failing. He's failing. And then he's falling, too.

He barely even notices the slip of his wrist, the way he shoots his web against the loose concrete instead of the solid brick he means to aim for. The top of the building crumbles underneath Peter's weight, and he can not only see, but feel the rush of the ground coming towards him. The wind rushes through his ears as he falls through the sky. The ground's coming too fast for him to do anything.

"Activating parachute," a voice chimes in the back of his mask.

The parachute launches and Peter is thankful that he was swinging from a building tall enough that it has time to take. There's barely seconds as he falls from the now crumbling Avengers tower, but the parachute manages to spread out its reach and slow the boy's descent to the ground. He's safe for now.

Peter's thankful. He might not have been quick enough this time. And although he's still frightened and afraid, he's not completely sure he would have made it out alive. Despite all the grief swirling inside him and the promise of seeing Tony again, he's not quite sure he's ready to die.

Peter can't let his fear and guilt control him any longer, though. He needs to focus. He needs to find May.

His stomach gurgles and panic floods his chest cavity, but there's an urgency that the boy can no longer ignore. He needs to find his aunt before something terrible happens to her. He could never forgive himself if she were hurt in his absence, or lost, or kidnapped, or blackmailed, or even killed. He can't even begin to consider worse possibilities - how he would survive with a life without Aunt May.

He lands on the roof of his apartment complex in record time, which would usually be cause for a mini celebration, especially considering the fact he's being extra meticulous today with his most recent near-death experience fresh in his mind. But he can't celebrate the small victories in his current state - not when he's feeling so empty and hollow inside.

This is a dead end, and he knows it. The apartment is most likely empty. There's no way his aunt could possibly be living here anymore. Pepper has already done a quick search for his aunt alongside her husband's funeral preparations, and this would have been the first place she searched. He trusts Pepper, and has faith that she did her absolute best, but he just needs to see it for himself.

There's just something inside Peter that makes him need to see it one time. If the apartment no longer has May, he needs to see it with his own two eyes to believe it. He needs to confirm for himself that she's not actually there before he can continue his search. He needs to make peace with this place before he can move on.

It only takes Spider-Man a few moments to crawl down the side of the wall towards his old bedroom window. It's become a habit over the years for the boy to enter this way, but he stops himself before he can completely crawl past the threshold. 

 _This is no longer my home_ , he reminds himself. _You don't have a home._

He peaks inside the window, careful not to alert any possible new tenants. With his mask temporarily removed, he can't risk letting even more people into his secret identity. He can't let anyone else's lives be endangered by his powers, any more than he already has, so he keeps his movements and breathing quiet.

Peter's room - the room that used to be only Peter's and nobody else's - is completely different through the evening light of the windows. The walls are a different color - a light pastel pink that he can't help but hate. There are posters that are completely wrong for his fandom lifestyle. And even his bed has been switched out for a smaller version. The tone is too different from his life right now - too happy and carefree.

It's pretty clear that this is no longer his home - no longer the Parker residence he so severely needs to see. This is someone else's safe space. Someone who doesn't know him, or his aunt, or the struggles he's been through in the last week live here now. This place is as empty as the lakeside was - a boy lost in his sorrow with no familiar sights or faces. But at least that had familiar faces for him to hide his misery from.

Why did he ever come here? How did he ever think any sight of this place could possibly help his pain?

Peter crawls back up to the roof where he can't be seen by the new residents, falling to the ground against a locked door. His stomach rumbles, a mild cramp working its way through his abdomen, and he moans with loss and discomfort. He has to take deep breaths as he fights to ignore his stomach ache, which works for a few hardy moments, but he knows he can't sit here all day. 

He just needs a few moments to gather himself. He'll leave soon.

A few tears gather at the corner of Peter's young, tired eyes. He can feel them slipping away, without even a tissue or sleeve to wipe them on. There's no heroes to see him now, but he squeezes his eyes shut in a force to stop them anyway. He can't waste time being sad - not when there's so much at stake. He needs to focus - to create a new and improved game plan. He's wasting precious time.

Even so, he can feel himself dizzying, like the entirety of New York is rocking beneath him. He doesn't trust his body to carry him to the ground or to swing through the steep heights when he's in such a bewildering state. He can barely move, let alone function as the friendly neighborhood protector he needs to be, so he decides he can rest for only a few moments. Just enough until he regains his energy and pushes through this bout of nausea.

"Peter? Are you okay?" He blinks his eyes and looks around leisurely. There's no one here. And his mask is off. Who is talking to him?

"Your blood sugars are getting dangerously low. I recommend some high sugar liquids as a jump start before you crash too hard."

"Yeah, that makes sense," he mutters to himself. It must be Karen, even if he isn't sure where the voice is coming from. But, he isn't in any rush to move right now. He's just too tired. Too drowsy.

"If you fall asleep, there's a high chance you will not wake up without medical intervention. You are experiencing dangerously low blood sugars. You need to seek help."

Peter doesn't understand. None of this makes any sense. He's never had issues with blood sugars before. So why would he be suddenly crashing alone on the rooftop of his old apartment building?

And better yet, why does he feel so sleepy? He tells himself he just needs a few minutes rest. And then he can figure everything else out. It has been a long time since he's slept after all.

"Peter. Do not fall asleep. Do. Not. Sleep. Initiating contact with your emergency number. Help will arrive soon."

* * *

The whole house is shattered by the boy's disappearance.

Little Morgan's heart is sick when she wakes up and finds her brother has fled. She doesn't know him very personally yet - they've only had a few moments of shared interaction over the last couple days - but she's been raised with stories of her big brother Peter and the superhero that would one day be there for her. She feels safe at the funeral with Spider-Man standing so closely by.

And one day, even when the days get really rough, and she misses her father more than she could ever imagine, nothing bad will ever happen to her. Not with Spider-Man protecting her.

With Ironman and Spider-Man out of her life now, there's so little safety in her home - so little security for her future. She's scared and helpless. She just wants her big brother to come home.

Happy is packed to the brim with guilt and frustration by the kid's departure. Although he found himself annoyed in the beginning by Peter's chatter, there's just something about this kid that broke down his walls. He's grown to care for Peter alongside his boss' affections. He might even admit he loves Peter - on a good stress-free day.

Happy vowed to always guard Tony's family. And now, the kid is part of Tony's family. Yet, somehow he'd already failed his duty as the family's protector. He'd let Tony's son slip through the cracks.

Distracted by Morgan, he'd left Peter alone by the dock for the majority of the day. He'd prioritized Tony's blood over the son that so desperately needed the guidance. And why? Because it would be easier to not talk about Tony's death? Because he'd dedicated more time to Morgan in the last five years than he ever did to Peter? Because Pepper needed him by her side?

No. He doesn't want to think of the reason. He can't face the truth - not when the family's still so frantic to find the boy. He can't accept he about forgot about Peter until darkness had surrounded the lake. He can't admit that he's lost Peter over something so small and trivial. He only has himself to blame.

Pepper is the most lost with the recent turn of events. She had promised Tony that she'd care for Peter. She'd given her husband her undying word that they would be okay. No matter what happened, Peter Parker would always be properly taken care of.

He was their son now - meant to be part of their family until the end of time. Tony Stark was his father in every being of the word. And she would be his mother. She would be there for him. Forever.

"It's my fault. I should have told him there was nothing to go back to. I should have warned him."

"He's probably just going to look for his Aunt. I'm sure he'll find him soon. He has to, right?"

Pepper shakes her head. She can't bear to say the words out loud. Not on a day like today when so many things are going awry.

"What do you mean no? She's not in New York anymore? Where else could she be?"

"He won't find her. Not in New York. Not anywhere."

"I don't understand. She was snapped, yes? Then she must be somewhere. We just have to find her."

Pepper can't stand to speak the words. They're still too sorrowful on her lips - too fresh in her heart. She was supposed to do tell Peter in their upcoming days together, when his heart wasn't so broken from the loss of his newly found dad, but she still can't find herself ready. How can someone ever find the words to share such loss to a young man she's grown to care so much for?

Instead, she crosses the room and grabs a large brown envelope filled with papers. With the room completely silent and watchful, she hands the envelope over to Happy and takes a seat at the table. He looks at her questionably before opening the envelope to inspect the contents himself.

The first document on the thin stack of documentation is an adoption certificate that's been notarized by the department of family services. It's dated to nearly five years ago, freshly created in the aftermath of the snap.

Happy is unsure of what to think of the paper. Why would they adopt Peter so quickly if May was snapped? The Parkers would return together if the snap reversed, and over time, everything would be sorted out. Right?

"Adoption papers? For Peter? Why?"

"It's one of the reasons Tony and I got married so quickly after the decimation. He was heartbroken. Lost. In no condition to let someone new close to his heart after all the destruction he'd witnessed. I was lucky that he already had a space open for me. I was so worried that he'd been dusted..."

"But then, the worst imaginable thing happened. And Tony loved Peter so much. He couldn't leave him with nothing. He had to have a plan in place in case he ever returned."

Happy's voice is quiet as he whispers, "What happened to her?"

When he gets no response, he puts the adoption paper aside to work through the stack some more.

Next is something simple. The boy's birth certificate, Social Security card, and newly acquired health insurance. It's lucky that Pepper held onto these - in case of Peter's return. So many people are suffering from the impossible quest of regathering their possessions after returning from the decimation. It's helpful that Pepper always prepares in case the worst happens.

"I still don't understand."

"There's one more thing. Take a look, and it'll all become clear."

The last paper is a folded up note, hand-scribbled on old notebook paper. The corners are faded and pale. It's clear this paper wasn't meant to last the half-decade it has, but has been kept anyway. It must be important. Otherwise, why would it be stored away in such a safe place alongside Peter's other most important papers?

Happy scans the note. He can feel his demeanor crashing through each hand-written word. This isn't something he ever wanted to read, but it explains so much about May's disappearance.

This isn't just any regular note she's written for the world to find.

There's a crumple suicide note in handwriting that Happy recognizes all too well. It's faded with time, but there's no mistaking it for the woman he was flirting with only years ago.


	4. Chapter 4

_To stay alive, overdrive, ‘til we find, something new_

__To keep the pulse alive in you_ _

__

Peter comes to groggily. The towering apartment buildings that surround him seem to be dancing as he tries to steady himself. Everything moves as he grips the ground below him, his fingers digging into the broken rock in a frenzied attempt to steady himself. It doesn't work.

It's very little use because it isn't the ground that's shaking, but the hero himself. His body is weak and shaky with his exhaustion, and even more unsteady from lack of food. The high rate of his metabolism can't keep up with hunger this extreme. He's never gone so long without eating before and his body isn't quite prepared for the toll it's taking on him. It's eating itself in desperation.

"Karen?" He doesn't have the strength to keep analyzing the situation around him. He can barely push himself into a sitting position with how much the roof seems to be shaking, but he remembers the AI speaking to him briefly before he passed out.

"You fainted, Peter. We're still on the rooftop of your apartment building."

"What happened to the contact? I thought you were calling Ned?"

"That number was no longer in service, likely from the effects of the blip. A new cell phone number has not yet been created for Ned Leeds, though I was about to call emergency services when you woke up."

He nearly asks about the emergency contact for Mr. Stark. In his hazy state, he can barely remember the funeral he attended only days ago, or the way his mentor's skin burned his nostrils with the smell of burning flesh, but then it all comes rushing in again. That contact is also no longer in service.

"Would you like me to call Pepper Potts? I'm sure she would be happy to assist you."

"No," he rushes out. That's the last thing he wants. He left for a reason.

_I've wasted enough of the Stark's time. They deserve to be a family now. Without me._

"There's no more time to waste, Karen. I need to find my aunt before anything bad happens. Do you think you can help me with that? She's the only family I have left and I don't know what else to do.."

"Of course I can, Peter. I would do anything to help you. But first, we need to boost your blood sugars."

* * *

 

Karen directs Peter inside the old apartment complex, leading him down the winding stairs to the ground floor once again. This is the safest way for them to go right now, since he can barely walk down each step without the assistance of the handrails to steady him.

The boy tries to protest that he's strong enough to swing, or even climb down the side of the building, but Karen spends nearly ten minutes coaching the boy to stand. He's shaky, and his mental state isn't the strongest in this moment, so she enacts the Precious Boi Protocol. A protocol created by Tony - but named by Peter without his knowledge - that always prioritizes Peter's well being, even beyond his need to keep his identity a secret.

They're in luck anyway. They don't need to do anything that crazy. As they walk through the final floor, Karen directs his attention to the buzz of the soda machine in the corner of the lobby. Peter barely notices it with his senses so off their game, and the old image of the hallways burned into his mind.

Everything has changed so much since his return. It's so much easier to just let his body feel numb.

"To correct low blood sugar, eat or drink a fast-acting carbohydrate right away."

"You want me to drink a soda?" Peter searches through his pockets, quickly realizing there are no pockets on his suit, and that he hasn't had any money for weeks. He hasn't really needed any since he's always been around one of the Stark family members, too busy in his grief to think about payments or money.

"Yes. The first step to finding May is keeping you alive and healthy."

"I don't actually have any money. I can't actually _buy_ a soda."

The AI is silent for a bit too long. It takes a few moments for Peter to even notice the lack of her response, and then he suddenly feels a rush of dread working its way through him.

"I'm not stealing a soda, Karen. That's not something Spider-Man does. That's not something I do."

"My priority right now is keeping you alive. Tony made that my top priority. He wanted you to be safe."

Guilt works through his chest at the mention of his ex-mentor. He still feels horrible for what happened, and even worse that he'd been unable to prevent the man's sacrifice. If Peter had tried harder, or maybe done something different, or even not been as important to the man, maybe Tony's death could have been prevented.

The least Peter can do right now is keep himself alive. He can make sure the man's sacrifice wasn't for nothing.

Karen gives the boy the override code to the machine, and they quickly flee the scene of the crime with nothing but a single cola can for their efforts. Peter feels horrible the entire time.

* * *

 

The more the boy swings through his city, the more destruction he sees.

It isn't just physical. New York has always had its share of aging infrastructure. Building rooftops that would crumble with the pull of his webbing, or windows that are crackled with age.

Ripped old parade banners that wave through the sky were one of Peter's favorite things to see - a timeless reminder of good times shared by his fellow citizens. There's none of these in the post blip New York City. No reminders of times past. No stories for him to ponder of the years of life he's lost.

The city is crippled in a different way. There's still the same old broken landscape in the distance, but the people of Queens are tattered now too. The young hero wonders if the whole world is defective.

The homeless population has skyrocketed, more than the handful of passerby's Peter finds himself used to. The city is riddled with broken bodies and scattered families. There are even a few children thrown into the mix of homeless civilians, and he quickly learns that the shelters are maxed out with even more lost women and children. This is worse than he's ever seen before.

Peter has mercy for his people. He would give them his own food if he could - if he had any to give.

But he doesn't. He's slowly starving himself to death, his metabolism ripping him apart as he struggles to find any fuel whatsoever. There's a battle going on inside of him, crippling pains pulling through his organs as he fights to ignore them. He just needs to work harder. He just needs to focus his mind on something else. He takes a few moments to observe the city instead.

He watches some random charity hand out bagged lunches among the homeless population, but he refuses to take one even when offered. There seems to be a limited number, and he can't imagine taking a lunch from someone who actually needs it. He can barely believe that he's surrounded by abandoned children and mothers, so instead, he just observes from the side of the crumbling wall waiting to stop any fights that may break out.

At least his sugars are a _bit_ more balanced, though not even close to the normal level his body is used to. Karen is keeping an eye on him, keeping a complete log of his symptoms and balance as he moves along the cityscape, but there isn't much she can do beyond that. She can't force Peter to go find the help he needs. She can't force him to go to a hospital or an already full homeless shelter.

After the feeding of the homeless, Peter and Karen set out to search further beyond their current reach. May's not in any of her usual locations: home, work, or any of her friend's houses. In fact, Peter doesn't locate a single soul with a clue of her whereabouts, not a snippet of her movements since his return. He keeps searching anyways.

They make no progress that day.  As the sun begins to set and the stars spread throughout the sky, Peter has no idea where he's going to look tomorrow. Things are seeming hopeless, more so than usual, and he struggles to move on. His arms tingle with depression, a familiar sensation that he's gone so long without.

_Hopefully, things seem better in the morning._

He settles into the corner of a small rooftop. It'll be his temporary home for the night. No one should find him here, no one will get the chance to hurt him any further. He lets his heavy eyes rest - doing his best to ignore the sharp pains in his lower abdomen - and lets himself fall asleep.

* * *

 

_There's a time in Peter's life, months after the crashing of a building upon his weary shoulders, but before blasting off into space to fight against the mad titan Thanos, where something just doesn't feel right. He's normally such a bubbly, positive person, and all of a sudden, he stops feeling like himself._

_He begins feeling the crippling effects of a depression, even though there's no logical reason for him to feel this way. He has superpowers. He has a supportive family system, even better than ever since the figurative adoption created by Tony Stark, and a never-ending stream of love from his friends Michelle and Ned._

_Sure, he's had a building dropped on him once or twice. And then there's the everlasting panic built from his mentor stripping away his responsibility in a blinded broken decision. But he's okay. It's nothing. He's a superhero. He can work through a bit of dramatic circumstances._

_Yet it's enough to send him crashing, time after time again. He feels safe when he's patrolling, when he's hidden behind the mask of his heroic persona. And then he gets home, and his world continues to crash down around him. Nightmares, panic attacks, oversleeping, under-eating. Only the broken works of his body._

_May pulls him aside two months into the Summer. He's spent the entire time either patrolling or wallowing in his room, barely eating a bite. This can't go on any longer._

_With Tony's help, they get the chance to send Peter to a proper therapist. Someone that can help him work through his problems. Someone trained in-hero protocols, that even Tony Stark has trusted with his problems when his wife had begged him to get help. They all just want Peter to get better._

_The boy only reluctantly agrees. Only because he looks up to Tony so much, and he wouldn't ever want to disappoint him further than he already has. It's the least he can do._

_He fights, even more, when they recommend medication - a temporary solution to his nightmares and anxiety as he takes the steps to manage the problem on his own. But he sees it as something he definitely does not need, a fake sugar pill to make him feel happy all the time._

_"There's no weakness in needing help, Peter. You would never deny a diabetic his insulin. This is just a tool, something that will help you as you work towards healing. The brain needs serotonin to work properly, and right now, yours isn't producing the amount it needs to survive."_

_Peter scratches at his hands as he considers May's words. They're hidden away in the pockets of his long sleeve sweater so that she can't comment on his scratching anymore. The marks heal fast, providing a temporary distraction in his moments of need, but he needs to be more discreet with the stim now if he wants to continue doing it. They try to stop it whenever they see it happening._

_"I just... It'll heal, May. It will fix itself like everything else."_

_Her eyes soften, but he can only see the pity that clouds them. He doesn't want her pity, or Happy's pity, or his friends' pity, or even Tony Stark's pity. Nothing's wrong with him. This is just a rough patch in his life._

_"This isn't like a cut or a bruise, or even a broken bone, Peter. I've been in your position. Sometimes we just need a little bit of additional help. Please let us help you. Please try this, if not for me, and if not for Tony, for the thousands of citizens that look up to Spider-Man."_

_Peter scratches his arms some more, the tingling of the pain sending shoots up his arms. It's barely there, barely enough for him to feel it, but it still appeases the aching in his chest. Old words flash through his mind, words said to him when he was only a young boy, working past his grief and his parents' death._

_'Baby steps are fine. Falling down is fine. Walking really slowly is fine. Needing someone to walk beside you, prompting each step is fine. No effort to move for years... not fine.'  
_

_He agrees for Aunt May._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure when I'll be updating next. This story was meant to have short and sweet chapters, but I have to be in a super angsty mood to write, which has been difficult lately for me.
> 
> In brighter news, I'm meeting Tom Holland next week, so I need to get ready for that trip. Wish me luck everyone <3

**Author's Note:**

> You can also follow me on tumblr too. My username is [@slothbeans](https://slothbeans.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If you like the story, please leave a review. It really helps me stay motivated, especially since this is my passion project and a major undertaking for me. <3


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